S2E14: The Sinister Nature of Spiritual Abuse - Gabi Ruth
Hello, my friends! Thank you for listening to this important solo episode of Pain to Passion Live.
In this episode, I share my personal journey with spiritual abuse and open up about the impact it had on me. I delve into the dark reality of spiritual abuse, where individuals in positions of authority manipulate and control others using their relationship with God. While acknowledging the complexity of the topic, I offer validation and support to those who may be facing spiritual abuse in their lives. Together, we explore the definition of spiritual abuse and the harmful effects it can have. I provide insights into my upbringing in a conservative evangelical home, highlighting the patriarchal rules and authority dynamics I encountered. Drawing from my own experiences working for a well-known Christian couple, I shed light on the manipulation tactics used to silence and coerce me and others. I address the trauma responses I faced and the lasting scars it left behind. Throughout the episode, I emphasize the importance of recognizing spiritual abuse and seeking help. I offer resources and a compassionate voice to those who may be struggling in similar situations. It is my hope that through this episode, listeners find validation, support, and the courage to prioritize their well-being.
**Episode Highlights:**
- I introduce the topic of spiritual abuse and explain my personal motivation for discussing it.
- We explore the definition of spiritual abuse, emphasizing its manipulative and controlling nature.
- I discuss the ways in which spiritual abusers use a person's relationship with God and religious beliefs to coerce and manipulate.
- I reflect on my upbringing in a conservative evangelical home, sharing the patriarchal rules and authority dynamics I experienced.
- I recount a specific instance of working for a well-known Christian couple, detailing the spiritual abuse I endured.
- I describe the manipulation tactics used against me, such as silencing, guilt-tripping, and threats of job loss.
- I share the trauma responses I experienced and the lasting impact of the spiritual abuse on my well-being.
- I highlight the importance of recognizing spiritual abuse and seeking help.
- I provide resources for those who may be facing spiritual abuse and offer guidance on navigating these challenging situations.
- I acknowledge the difficulty of leaving a community associated with spiritual abuse and encourage listeners to prioritize their own well-being.
- I conclude the episode with a message of validation, self-care, and the reminder that making mistakes is part of being human.
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(TRANSCRIPT) S2E14: The Sinister Nature of Spiritual Abuse - Gabi Ruth
Note: Transcript is created by AI. Please excuse any errors.
Gabi: [00:00:00] Okay, you guys we're gonna do it we're gonna do it today on this episode we're gonna talk about spiritual Yep, we're going to broach this can of worms, and we will by no means cover the entirety of this topic, because there are volumes and volumes of books that talk about this topic. There are so many lived experiences, there's no way to explain or describe.
Spiritual abuse in one little podcast episode, but I've just been feeling really like I need to share more of this part of my story because there are so many people who are dealing with this kind of thing and some of you may recognize it or have recognized it in your own lives and the validation will be helpful [00:01:00] or perhaps some of you are experiencing it now And you need this validation to know that what you're feeling in your body about something being wrong is actually a correct feeling.
You're not crazy. This is really happening. So what is spiritual abuse? Some of you may not really know what spiritual abuse is, so let me just put it into a framework that hopefully you will understand. Spiritual abuse, in my opinion, is probably the most sinister form of abuse because what it does is it not only puts a person against you, being abusive towards you, but the bully becomes God.
So this person who is trying to coercively control you is utilizing a relationship that is of utmost importance to [00:02:00] you, and that is your relationship with God. They will use scripture, they will use culturally accepted religiosity, and they will use your own beliefs to try to manipulate you, make you feel badly, and coerce you in ways that are completely unreasonable and not okay.
The whole point of abuse is control. The whole point of abuse is power. So, someone who is spiritually abusive is using this very vulnerable, very personal part of you, which is your spirituality, your relationship with God, against you. The reason this is so harmful is because, for many of us, God has been the one that we can rely on for protection.
The [00:03:00] one, at the end of the day, like, If you knew for sure what God did and did not want you to do today, you would probably follow those directives because it matters to you. You also know that you've been taught that God is unconditional love and that He cares about you, He sees you. So, when someone uses scripture or your relationship with God to say that you are bad, And this is how I know because God said so in such and such scripture or I am a spiritual authority and God told me that you're bad for this reason or that reason.
You've lost your anchor. You've lost that faith in someone who was supposed to be for you. You realize now that they're against you. And you will do anything in your power. To get back into the [00:04:00] favor of your God. This is why this is so sinister and so evil is because you're made to feel like you have to earn back something that literally was never taken away from you.
And often it is for the benefit of someone else's ego and someone else's power trip. I personally have been in spiritually abusive situations many times. Unfortunately, I was born into a situation where spiritual abuse became the norm very quickly, because I grew up in a extremely conservative evangelical home, um, with patriarchal rules and where authority was everything.
And I had to obey authority, [00:05:00] which in my sphere, the homeschooling, Christian, very Republican culture was the father and the mother had absolute authority over the child. They could manipulate me into feeling guilty about anything by using the authority card. God put us in charge of you. So you disagreeing with this opinion or that opinion is not only annoying to us, it is also sinful and it makes you a bad person.
So that's kind of the context that I grew up in, which really groomed me to walk into multiple situations like that into adulthood until I began to recognize the toxicity of this, not just that, but the untruth of all of this. So one instance [00:06:00] in particular that really wrecked my world was I worked for a very well known Christian couple for several years.
Um, I worked intimately with them. I was part of their core team and they were my heroes. Like, honestly, I kind of idolized these people because they... purported to love this Jesus that I loved in such a passionate way, um, that it was magnetic. Like it was so magnetic to me and hundreds of thousands of other people, to be honest.
But what I ran into in this situation was that suddenly I was deemed voiceless. If I was mistreated, In any way, which I was, regularly, verbally, emotionally, [00:07:00] spiritually mistreated, in this role, in this scenario, if I said anything to try to stand up for myself, it got turned around and thrown back into my face in a way that was intended to make me feel guilty, bad, Less than, and to silence me.
So, there was, for example, an instance, and I don't want to go into too many details, but, there was an instance where something had happened between um, my boss, who was this well known figure in the Christian world. And me, where she had done something that was very not okay, um, an emotionally manipulative [00:08:00] scenario, um, where things were said to me that were not okay, things were done that were very not okay.
And I knew I could feel it in my whole body. My whole body could feel it, that this was wrong. And I knew, even though I had tried before and I'd had consequences, I knew that I needed to say something. I needed to stand up for myself and I needed to address it. So I went to the HR director of this organization and I said, This is what happened.
This is not okay. I don't know what to do, but I know that I can't have her doing this to me anymore. Um, and I just expressed exactly what had happened and how it had made me feel in hopes that going to HR, something would be done to rectify the scenario. Instead, what I [00:09:00] got was a phone call from my boss's husband, who is also a well known figure, and he called me and he basically threatened me with losing my job.
He said that I absolutely could not speak to or about my boss in this way because she was an authority over me and it was out of line and disrespectful for me to complain or to bring up a grievance about or with her at all. It was bad and it was ungodly. So he said, I'll give you 24 hours. I want you to apologize to everyone involved that you have spoken to, which at that point I had spoken to my manager, the HR director and the COO.
of the [00:10:00] organization to try to get this rectified. I just took the appropriate, um, levels up the ladder to try to get something done to protect me. But he called me, he's the leader of the entire organization, threatened me with losing my job unless I went to everyone and apologized. And if he saw true evidence of my true repentance.
Then he would let me keep my job. Not only that, but if he let me keep my job, then I had to read this specific book about authority that he assigned to me and report back to the COO about what I learned from reading a chapter a week of this book. And I will tell you that after that phone call, first of all, I had no concept of trauma responses.
[00:11:00] So I can remember even right now, as I'm telling this story, I can remember how this felt in my body. Like, I felt like I was buzzing, I was a very out of body experience, I felt like I had a huge rock in my stomach, I felt sick and shaky and not in my right mind, to be honest. But he was my authority, right?
I was supposed to listen to him, right? This was someone I admired, someone who many people admired. He had to be right. Right? Because if he wasn't, then my entire context for like who to trust and who not to trust would be turned on its head. So I took this feeling to mean that I deserved the shame that was being heaped on me.
I deserved it. I had earned it. I kid you not. [00:12:00] I spent hours that night weeping. Crying, asking God to forgive me for my hard heart, my disrespect, my lack of honor for my authorities, asking his forgiveness. I went to each person involved that I had spoken with and I repented. I apologized with tears and real genuine, uh, remorse.
I felt true remorse. Now, when I look back on this, it just makes me so sad and angry because what happened there was not okay. The very people who had a platform and a position to protect vulnerability, to Do what was right to make repair where things had gone [00:13:00] sideways, where the very people who manipulated scripture, relationship with them and relationship with God to coerce me for taking the blame for abusive behaviors by someone else perpetrated at me.
That is what spiritual abuse looks like. And it is rampant, I will tell you, it runs rampant because people like me who grew up loving Jesus and who want to serve and who, um, want to help those who lead, like, we are prime targets for this because we've, we've bought the whole thing, hook, line, and sinker.
Like, I'll do anything. To please God, even if it means I get mistreated by these people, because obviously their mistreatment is appropriate because [00:14:00] they've been assigned by God to this role, right? Wrong. No, there is absolutely no precedent, none in scripture for you to endure abuse. Respecting your leaders does not mean that you are silent.
And you turn a blind eye and you offer yourself up to abusive behavior. That is not the God we serve. That is not love. That is not what he is requiring of us. So if you find yourself in a scenario where religion, scripture, or your relationship with God is being used to manipulate your emotions. to make you feel bad and change your behavior in some way, especially if it's for the benefit or the protection [00:15:00] of someone in power who is misusing that power, run away from that situation.
It took me a long time to get out, you guys. And I get it. I was so invested. This was my entire community. This was my life. Like, I loved these people. I wanted to serve these people. I loved being part of a ministry. But it tore me to shreds. It took me so long to get out because of the trauma bonds that had been created there with the narcissistic love bombing cycle that I was in, um, there in that scenario.
But when I got out, I'm telling you those scars, it took years for me to heal. I would have flashbacks nearly every day for years. Because of the harm that had been done to me, and this was just one example of many, many things that had [00:16:00] happened, but I felt that this was a good example, um, for those of you who are wondering if you're in that scenario.
If you can recognize your story and even a small piece of this scenario, please consider that you might be in a destructive situation. And if you're not sure there are so many resources online, but also please feel free to reach out to me. Um, if I can't answer your question, directly, which I will do my best, but I will point you to resources that could help you, um, navigate and figure out your situation.
Getting out of spiritual abuse situations can be very challenging because like I said, your entire community could be attached to this person that's being abusive, this leader that is manipulating you in toxic ways. So extracting yourself from a whole community in a healthy way is. difficult. [00:17:00] Um, I want to make sure that you are going to be okay.
You're going to be safe. So please feel free to reach out to me on Instagram or shoot me an email. And mostly I hope you feel validated. If you know someone else who's going through this, please send them this episode so that they can feel validated. Spiritual abuse is not a small thing. It's all the things.
It is just as destructive as physical, emotional, mental, sexual abuse. Because it destroys the core of a person. Take care of yourselves, um, if this episode has been activating for you in any way. Go take a walk, get a breath of fresh air. Remember, um, that you're valuable, you're loved, and your God, your creator, He loves you.
He loves you. And guess what? We are even allowed to make mistakes without being covered in shame. [00:18:00] Jesus took care of that for us. Okay. I love you guys. You matter. Take care of yourselves. Um, if you would like to hear more on this topic, just let me know. I can do some more episodes that are more, um, like educational, more.
specific as far as what comprises spiritual abuse, but I often find that stories are the most helpful. So I really hope that this did help someone today. You're amazing. I will see you again soon. We have some great guests coming up here soon as well. I'm really excited. I hope you're having a wonderful summer and I'll talk to you next time.