I have come here to declare the faithfulness of God.
These past few weeks have been crazy as we’ve moved out of our home in Colorado and brought our family to a new home in Texas. I don’t think I’ve ever done something so HUGE, and I’m still in the center of the hugeness of it right now. I see the wind flying around me in circles, but I’m sitting here at a table in Starbucks in the stillness right in the middle of it.
This is where Jesus is.
I don’t mean here at Starbucks (although I’m pretty sure He hangs out at every single one – praise the Name of the Lord:D)…I mean here, right here in the stillness in the middle of the tornado of upheaval caused by a cross-country move. Just like He was there in the middle of the storm on the Sea of Galilee, He’s here in the middle of this chaos I’ve landed in.
And He’s faithful to keep me here in the stillness, despite what winds blow 6 inches in front of me.
What a good God. What a faithful Shepherd. What a beautiful Savior.
Honestly, this was the moment I was dreading, this moment when my husband started going to the office to his dream job and my kids started preschool and I was left adrift, left to fend for myself and to find my own way.
But that’s not how it is. That’s never how it really is, is it? Maybe it feels that way sometimes…but never, not once, have I been left to fend for myself. It’s in these moments of seeming aloneness, these hours of of unsure footing, that we have a choice. We can either give in to discouragement, feeling as though we are unseen, or we can look up into the eyes of our King, say, “Ok, I’m ready!” and let Him take us on the adventure of the unknown.
Why oh why would I choose discouragement? No, I will not accept it. I drop it by the side of the road, I pick up my suitcase full of hope instead, and I go on this adventure with my Jesus. He has never let me down and He has never left me alone.
This moment in this season is like a microcosm of this life I have chosen to live. In this life, I have known with surety what He has planted in my heart. I have clung to the dreams and the promises of God with everything in me. I have waited…and waited…and waited…and cried, and fought, and prayed, and bowed down with whispers of “When, God, when?” but I have never let go of the promises. I can’t. I mean, how could I? When the God of the Universe bends low to whisper a secret into your life, you can’t just let it go, can you? I mean, I guess you could, but that would be an utter denial of the life change caused by the whisper, even if the change is only visible on the inside. For me, to let it go would be like losing a limb. So instead, I hold tight through it all, all the joys, trials, pains, hopes, betrayals, struggles, victories, discipline, and questioning.
This move to Texas is technically due to Benj’s new job. And I’m so happy for him – so happy. But in my heart, from the very moment I knew we would be moving (and I knew before anyone else…remember those God-whispers I was talking about?), I knew so much of this was going to lead to the fruition of 20+ years of prayers and dreams, the things planted inside me as a small girl. I know a little about how it’s actually going to look – but only a little. The rest is just expectation and belief lighting up like fireworks inside my soul. I know it’s coming…and I know it’s going to be beyond what I could even ask or imagine. But right now, right in this moment, the circumstances are tempting me to feel alone, forgotten, and overlooked.
But really, honestly, I know that’s just smoke. I know these are just shadows. Because I know the reality: My God SEES ME. My God KNOWS ME. My God REMEMBERS me every single moment. My God is the Dream Giver and the Dream Fulfiller. And He is holding my hand and telling me to keep holding tight because soon, so so soon, we will be running.
Like I said, it’s a microcosm of my life, this little moment in the middle of the tornado. I’ve learned how to wait and wait well, to wait actively, with faith as my guide and hope as my anchor. I understand that what I learn in between seasons and in the middle of unforeseen moments are the exact tools that I need for the next season and the next moment. Nothing is meaningless when I walk with Christ. So I know, I KNOW, that this time of waiting is just a chance to breathe before I’m swept up completely in the dreams of God’s heart, in the story that He’s written over my life, the story of rescue and compassion and mission and hands reached out and heart broken open for the world.
And so I rejoice. I choose joy. I tear off the heaviness and the gray and fight to the light and the color.
Here I am, God. Let’s do this. I am so so excited.