All tagged child of god

This week marks the last week I have “on my own” before my kids get out of preschool for the summer. Next week is the final week of school, but I’m heading out to Asia this weekend and so, when I get back, they’ll be home! This is huge for me as it’s the first time ever I’m going to have the chance to spend this much time with my kids.

Not being a stay-at-home mom has been a struggle for me – mostly a struggle because I have felt so guilty for feeling grateful that they had school so I could go to work (in Colorado) or pursue my passions and figure out my heart (since moving to Texas). But now more than ever I see how God’s hand has been in this, and finally – finally ­– when it’s almost over (at least for a season), I am certain that they have been where they needed to be and so have I.

Because this year that I’ve walked through (which has been very far from a cake-walk) provided me with the opportunity to come face-to-face with what I truly believed about myself and about God. It’s interesting to grow up a Christian and to dedicate your life to ministry from a young age, and then get here to the 30s and realize how much performance-based identity living in that “Christian paradigm” has created inside of you. Have any of you ever been through this? Here in this year of upheaval, though, I just could never live up to the expectations I had of myself (and which I thought others must have of me, too), and I discovered how much I had been living with lies rooted in me, lies that said I was only enough if I was doing enough, only valuable if I was achieving what society, the church, and myself expected of me…